Many nights, I lay wide awake
Staring at the shadows on the ceiling caused by the moonlight slipping through the branches
They dance around, seemingly coming alive in the dark when they think no one is watching.
I keep replaying memories
And thinking to myself, over and over,
“She’s dead. I’m a widower.”
And I imagine all the things I’ll never be able to do with her again.
I will never wake up on Christmas morning to her baking cinnamon rolls.
I will never come home to her sitting on the couch watching those soap-operas she loved so much.
I will never sit on the shore of the beach with her by my side.
My mind is full
Of thoughts about her not being here
For important and dismal events alike
Am I selfish for thinking this?
I’ll never get to do these things with her
I can do them alone,
While she’ll never get to do these things at all.
She will never have the simple pleasure of eating her favorite dinner
Or laying in bed
Or watching a movie
While I can do all of these things, any time I want
I know I need to keep doing things that I love
Because I am lucky enough to be able to
But I don’t find as much joy in these things
Without her by my side.
When will these sleepless nights end?
Will I find my peace soon?
The grief and pain is becoming lessened
As time goes on…
But will it ever disappear?
Or is it something I will have to live with?